151 + Once, when I was in the kitchen with Sister N.,47 she got a little upset with me and, as a punishment, ordered me to sit on the table while she herself continued to work hard, cleaning and scrubbing. And while I was sitting there, the sisters came along and were astounded to find me sitting on the table, and each one had her say. One said that I was a loafer and another, “What an eccentric!” I was a postulant at the time. Others said, “What kind of a sister will she make?” Still, I could not get down because sister had ordered me to sit there by virtue of obedience 48 until she told me to get down. Truly, God alone knows how many acts of self-denial it took. I thought I‟d die of shame. God often allowed such things for the sake of my inner formation, but He compensated me for this humiliation by a great consolation. During Benediction I saw Him in great beauty. Jesus looked at me kindly and said, My daughter, do not be afraid of sufferings; I am with you. 69 152 Once, I had night duty, 49 and I was suffering greatly in spirit because of the painting of the image, and I no longer knew which way to turn because they were constantly trying to convince me that the whole thing was an illusion. On the other hand, one priest said that perhaps god wanted to be worshiped through this image and therefore I ought to try to get it painted. Meanwhile, my soul was becoming extremely exhausted. When I entered the little chapel, I brought my head close to the tabernacle, knocked (73) and said, “Jesus, look at the great difficulties I am having because of the painting of this image.” And I heard a voice from the tabernacle, My daughter, your sufferings will not last much longer. 153 One day, I saw two roads. One was broad, covered with sand and flowers, full of joy, music and all sorts of pleasures. People walked along it, dancing and enjoying themselves. They reached the end without realizing it. And at the end of the road there was a horrible precipice; that is, the abyss of hell. The souls fell blindly into it; as they walked, so they fell. And their number was so great that it was impossible to count them. And I saw the other road, or rather, a path, for it was narrow and strewn with thorns and rocks; and the people who walked along it had tears in their eyes, and all kinds of suffering befell them. Some fell down upon the rocks, but stood up immediately and went on. At the end of the road there was a magnificent garden filled with all sorts of happiness, and all these souls entered there. At the very first instant they forgot all their sufferings. 154 Once, when there was adoration at the convent of the Sisters of the Holy Family, 50 I went there in the evening with one of our sisters. As soon as I entered the chapel, the presence of God filled my soul. I prayed as I do at certain times, without saying a word. Suddenly, I saw the Lord who said to me, Know that if you neglect the matter of the painting of the image and the whole work of mercy, you will have to answer for a multitude of souls on the day of judgment. After these worlds of Our Lord, a certain fear filled my soul, and alarm took hold of me. Try as I would, I could not calm myself. These words kept resounding in my ears: So, I will not only have to answer for myself on the day of judgment, but also for the souls of others. These words cut deep into my heart. When I returned home, I went to the little Jesus, 51 fell on my face before the Blessed Sacrament and said to the Lord, “I will do everything in my power, but I beg You to be always with me and to give me strength to do Your holy will; for You can do everything, while I can do nothing of myself.” 155 (74) + It has happened to me for some time now that I immediately sense in my soul when someone is praying for me; and I likewise sense it in my soul when some soul asks me for prayer, even though they do not speak to me about it. The feeling is one of certain disquiet, as if someone were calling me; and when I pray I obtain peace. 156 + Once, I desired very much to receive Holy Communion, but I had a certain doubt, and I did not go. I suffered greatly because of this. It seemed to me that my heart would burst from the pain. When I set about my work, my heart full of bitterness, Jesus suddenly stood by me and said, My daughter, do not omit Holy Communion unless you know well that your fall was serious; apart from this, no doubt must stop you from uniting yourself with Me in the mystery of My love. Your minor faults will disappear in My love like a piece of straw thrown into a great furnace. Know that you grieve Me much when you fail to receive Me in Holy Communion. 70 157 In the evening, when I entered the small chapel, I heard these words in my soul: My daughter, consider these words: “And being in agony, he prayed more earnestly.” When I started to think about them more deeply, much light streamed into my soul. I learned how much we need perseverance in prayer and that our salvation often depends on such difficult prayer. 158 + When I was at Kiekrz [1930] to replace one of the sisters 52 for a short time, I went across the garden one afternoon and stopped on the shore of the lake; I stood there for a long time, contemplating my surroundings. Suddenly, I saw the Lord Jesus near me, and He graciously said to me, All this I created for you, My spouse; and know that all this beauty is nothing compared to what I have prepared for you in eternity. My soul was inundated with such consolation that I stayed there until evening, and it seemed to me like a brief moment. That was my free day, set apart for a one-day retreat, 53 (75) so I was quite free to devote myself to prayer. Oh, how the infinitely good God pursues us with His goodness! It often happens that the Lord grants me the greatest graces when I do not at all expect them. 159 + O Blessed Host, in golden chalice enclosed for me, That through the vast wilderness of exile I may pass – pure, immaculate, undefiled; Oh, grant that through the power of Your love This might come to be. O Blessed Host, take up Your dwelling within my soul, O Thou my heart‟s purest love! With Your brilliance the darkness dispel. Refuse not Your grace to a humble heart. O Blessed Host, enchantment of all heaven, Though Your beauty be veiled And captured in a crumb of bread, Strong faith tears away that veil. 160 + The crusade day, 54 which is the fifth of the month, happened to fall on the First Friday of the month. This was my day for keeping watch before the Lord Jesus. It was my duty to make amends to the Lord for all offenses and acts of disrespect and to pray that, on this day, no sacrilege be committed. This day, my spirit was set aflame with special love for the Eucharist. It seemed to me that I was transformed into a blazing fire. When I was about to receive Holy Communion, a second Host fell onto the priest‟s sleeve, and I did not know which host I was to receive. After I had hesitated for a moment, the priest made an impatient gesture with his hand to tell me I should receive the host. When I took the Host he gave me, the other one fell onto my hands. The priest went along the altar rail to distribute Communion, and I held the Lord Jesus in my hands all that time. When the priest approached me again, I raised the Host for him to put it back into the chalice, because when I had first received Jesus I could not speak before consuming the Host, and so could not tell him that the other had fallen. But while I was holding the Host (76) in my hand, I felt such a power of love that for the rest of the day I could neither eat nor come to my senses. I heard these words from the Host: I desired to rest in your hands, not only in your heart. And at that moment I saw the little Jesus. But when the priest approached, I saw once again only the Host. 71 161 O Mary, Immaculate Virgin, Pure crystal for my heart, You are my strength, O secure anchor, You are a shield and protection for a weak heart. O Mary, you are pure and unparalleled, Virgin and Mother at one and the same time; You‟re beautiful as the sun, by nothing defiled. Nothing is worthy of comparison to the image of Your soul. Your beauty enthralled the Thrice-Holy One‟s eye, That He came down from heaven, forsaking th‟eternal See‟s throne, And assumed from Your Heart body and Blood, Hiding for nine months in the Virgin‟s Heart. O Mother, Virgin, this will no one omprehend, That the infinite God is becoming a man; It‟s only love‟s and His inscrutable mercy‟s purpose. Through You, Mother – it‟s given us to live with Him for ever. O Mary, Virgin Mother and Heaven‟s Gate, Through You salvation came to us; Every grace to us streams forth through Your hands, And faithful imitation of You only will sanctify me. O Mother, Virgin – most beautiful Lily. Your Heart was for Jesus the first tabernacle on earth, And that, because Your humility was the deepest, Wherefore You were raised above Angel choirs and Saints. O Mary, my sweet Mother, To You I turn over my soul, my body and my poor heart. Be the safeguard of my life, Especially at death‟s hour, in the final fight. 162 (77) J.M.J. Jesus, I trust in You. January 1, 1937 Chart of internal control of the soul. Particular examen – to be united with the merciful Christ. Practice: inner silence, strict observance of silence. The Conscience January: God and the soul; silence. Victories 41, falls 4. Exclamatory Prayer: But Jesus remained silent. February: God and the soul; silence. Victories 36, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer: Jesus, I trust in You. March: God and the soul; silence. Victories 51, falls 2. Exclamatory Prayer: Jesus, enkindle my heart with love. April: God and the soul; silence. Victories 61, falls 4. Exclamatory Prayer: With God, I can do all things. 72 May: God and the soul; silence. Victories 92, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer: In His Name is my strength. June: God and the soul; silence. Victories 64, falls 1. Exclamatory Prayer: All for Jesus. July: God and the soul; silence. Victories 62, falls 8. Exclamatory Prayer: Jesus, rest in my heart. August: God and the soul; silence. Victories 88, falls 7. Exclamatory Prayer: Jesus, You know…. September: God and the soul; silence. Victories 99, falls 1. Exclamatory Prayer: Jesus, hide me in Your Heart. October: God and the soul; silence. Victories 41, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer: Mary, unite me with Jesus. November: God and the soul; silence. Victories, falls. Exclamatory Prayer: O‟ my Jesus, have mercy! December: God and the soul; silence. Victories, falls. Exclamatory Prayer. Hail, living Host! 163 (78) JMJ The Year 1937 General Exercises + O Most Holy Trinity! As many times as I breathe, as many times as my heart beats, as many times as my blood pulsates through my body, so many thousand times do I want to glorify Your mercy. +I want to be completely transformed into Your mercy and to be Your living reflection, O Lord. May the greatest of all divine attributes, that of Your unfathomable mercy, pass through my heart and soul to my neighbor. Help me, O Lord, that my eyes may be merciful, so that I may never suspect or judge from appearances, but look for what is beautiful in my neighbors‟ souls and come to their rescue. Help me, that my ears may be merciful, so that I may give heed to my neighbors‟ needs and not be indifferent to their pains and moanings. Help me, O Lord, that my tongue may be merciful, so that I should never speak negatively of my neighbor, but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for all. Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be merciful and filled with good deeds, so that I may do only good to my neighbors and take upon myself the more difficult and toilsome tasks. Help me, that my feet may be merciful, so that I may hurry to assist my neighbor, overcoming my own fatigue and weariness. My true rest is in the service of my neighbor. Help me, O Lord, that my hart may be merciful so that I myself may feel all the sufferings of my neighbor. I will refuse my heart to no one. I will be sincere even with those who, I know, will abuse my kindness. And I will lock myself up in the most merciful Heart of Jesus. I will bear my own suffering in silence. May Your mercy, O Lord, rest upon me. 73 + You Yourself command me to exercise the three degrees of mercy. The first: the act of mercy, of whatever kind. The second: the word of mercy – if I cannot carry out a work of mercy, I will assist by my words. The third: prayer – if I cannot show mercy by deeds or words, I can always do so by prayer. My prayer reaches out even there where I cannot reach out physically. O my Jesus, transform me into Yourself, for you can do all things. [four pages left blank]55 164 (83) + JMJ Warsaw 1933 Probation Before Perpetual Vow s56 When I learned I was to go for probation, my heart beat with joy at the thought of such an immense grace, that of the perpetual vows. I went before the Blessed Sacrament; and when I immersed myself in a prayer of thanksgiving, I heard these words in my soul: My child you are My delight, you are the comfort of My Heart. I grant you as many graces as you can hold. As often as you want to make Me happy, speak to the world about My great and unfathomable mercy. 165 A few weeks before I was told about the probation, I entered the chapel for a moment and Jesus said to me At this very moment the superiors are deciding which sisters are going to take the perpetual vows. Not all of them will be granted this grace, but this is their own fault. He who does not take advantage of small graces will not receive great ones. But to you, my child, this grace is being given. My soul was seized with joyful surprise, because a few days earlier one of the sisters had said to me, “Sister, you will not be going for the third probation. I myself will see to it that you will not be permitted to make your vows.” I said nothing to the sister, but felt great pain which I tried to conceal as best I could. O Jesus, how strange are Your ways! I now see that people can do very little on their own, for I did make my probation, as Jesus had told me. 166 In prayer I always find light and strength of spirit although there are moments so trying and hurtful, that it is sometimes difficult to imagine that these things can happen in a convent. Strangely, God sometimes allows them, but always in order to manifest or develop virtue in a soul. That is the reason for trials. 167 (84) Today [November, 1932], I arrived in Warsaw for the third probation. After a cordial meeting with the dear Mothers, I went into the small chapel for a moment. Suddenly God‟s presence filled my soul, and I heard these words, My daughter, I desire that your heart be formed after the model of My merciful Heart. You must be completely imbued with My mercy. Dear Mother Directress [Margaret] At once asked me whether I had had a retreat that year, and I said no. “Then you must first have a retreat of at least three days.” 74 Thanks be to God there was at Walendow 57 an eight-day retreat in which I could take part. But difficulties arose in regard to my leaving for this retreat. A certain person opposed my going very much, and it already [appeared that] I was not to go. After dinner, I went into the chapel for a five-minute adoration. Suddenly I saw the Lord Jesus, who said to me, My daughter, I am preparing many graces for you, which you will receive during this retreat which you will begin tomorrow. I answered, “Jesus, the retreat has already begun, and I am not supposed to go.” And He said to me, Get ready for it, because you will begin the retreat tomorrow. And as for your departure, I will arrange that with the superiors. And in an instant, Jesus disappeared. I began to wonder how this was going to happen. But after a moment I rejected all such thoughts and devoted the time I had to prayer, begging the Holy Spirit for light to see the whole misery that I am. After a short while, I left the little chapel to go about my duties. Soon Mother General [Michael] called me and said, “Sister, you will go to Walendow today with Mother Valeria so that you can start the retreat tomorrow. Fortunately, Mother Valeria happens to be here and you can go together.” Within two hours I was already in Walendow. I reflected for a moment within myself and recognized that only Jesus can arrange things in such a way. 168 (85) When the person who so strongly opposed my participation in the retreat saw me, she showed surprise and dissatisfaction. Paying no heed to this, I greeted her affectionately and went to visit the Lord, in order to learn how I should conduct myself during the retreat. 169 My conversation with the Lord Jesus before the retreat. Jesus told me that this retreat would be a little different from others. You shall strive to maintain a profound peace in respect to your communings with Me. I will remove all doubts in this regard. I know that you are at peace now as I speak to you, but the moment I stop talking you will start looking for doubts. But I want you to know that I will affirm your soul to such a degree that even if you wanted to be troubled, it will not be within your power. And as a proof that it is I who am speaking to you, you will go to confession on the second day of the retreat to the priest who is preaching the retreat; you will go to him as soon as he has finished his conference and will present to him all your doubts concerning Me. I will answer you through his lips, and then your fears will end. During this retreat, observe such strict silence that it will be as though nothing exists around you. You shall speak only to Me and to your confessor; you will ask your superiors only for penances. I felt immense joy that the Lord would show me such kindness and lower himself so much for my sake. 170 The first day of the retreat. I tried to be the first in the chapel in the morning; before the meditation I had a bit of time for prayer to the Holy Spirit and to Our Lady. I earnestly begged the Mother of God to obtain for me the grace of fidelity to these inner inspirations and of faithfully carrying out God‟s will, whatever it might be. I began this retreat with a very special kind of courage. 171 (86) Struggle to keep silence. As usual, sisters from various houses came to the retreat. One of the sisters whom I had not seen for a long time, came to me cell and said she had something to tell me. I did not answer her, and she saw that I did not want to break silence. She said to me, “I didn't know you were such an eccentric, sister,” and she went away. I was well aware that she had no other business with me than to satisfy her own curious self-love, O God, preserve me in faithfulness. 75 172 The father58 who preached the retreat came from America. He had come to Poland for only a short time, and it so happened that he conducted our retreat. A deep interior life was reflected from his person. His bearing testified to the greatness of his spirit. Mortification and recollection characterized this priest. But despite these great virtues, I experienced much difficulty in revealing my soul to him in regard to graces received; as for sins, it is always easy to do so, but in respect to graces I really have to make a great effort, and even then I do not tell everything. 173 Satan‟s temptations during meditation. I felt a strange fear that the priest would not understand me, or that he would have no time to hear everything I would have to say. How am I going to tell him all this? If it were Father Bukowski I could do it more easily, but this Jesuit whom I am seeing for the first time…. Then I remembered Father Bukowski‟s advice that I should at least take brief notes of the lights sent to me by God during the retreats and give him at least a brief report on them. My God, for a day and half all has gone well, and now a life and death struggle is beginning. The conference is to start in a half hour, and then I am to go to confession. Satan tried to persuade me into believing that if my superiors have told me that my inner life is an illusion, why should I ask again (87) and trouble the confessor? Didn‟t M.X. [probably Mother Jane] tell you that the Lord Jesus does not commune with souls as miserable as yours? This confessor is going to tell you the same thing. Why speak to him about all this? These are not sins, and Mother X. told you that all this communing with the Lord Jesus was daydreaming and pure hysteria. So why tell it to this confessor? You would do better to dismiss all this as illusions. Look how many humiliations you have suffered because of them, and how many more are still awaiting you, and all the sisters know that you are a hysteric. “Jesus!” I called out with all the strength of my soul. 174 At that moment the priest came in and began the conference. He spoke for a short time, as if he were in a hurry. After the conference, he went over to the confessional. Seeing that none of the sisters were going there, I sprang from my kneeler, and in an instant was in the confessional. There was no time to deliberate. Instead of telling the father about the doubts that had been sown in me in respect to my dealings with the Lord Jesus, I began to speak about these temptations I have just described above. The confessor immediately understood my situation and said, “Sister, you distrust the Lord Jesus because He treats you so kindly. Well, Sister, be completely at peace. Jesus is your Master, and your communing with Him is neither daydreaming nor hysteria nor illusion. Know that you are on the right path. Please try to be faithful to these graces; you are not free to shun them. You do not need at all, Sister, to tell your superiors about these interior graces, unless the Lord Jesus instructs you clearly to do so, and even then you should first consult with your confessor. But if the Lord Jesus demands something external, in this case, after consulting your confessor, you should carry out what He asks of you, even if this costs you greatly. On the other hand, you must tell your confessor everything. There is absolutely no other course for you to take, Sister. Pray that (88) you may find a spiritual director, or else you will waste these great gifts of God. I repeat once again, be at peace; you are following the right path. Take no heed of anything else, but always be faithful to the Lord Jesus, no matter what anyone says about you. It is with just such miserable souls that the Lord Jesus communes in this intimate way. And the more you humble yourself, the more the Lord Jesus will unite Himself with you.” 76 175 When I left the confessional, ineffable joy filled my soul, so that I withdrew to a secluded spot in the garden to hide myself from the sisters to allow my heart to pour itself out to God. God‟s presence penetrated me and, in an instant, all my nothingness was drowned in God; and at the same moment I felt, or rather discerned, the Three Divine Persons dwelling in me. And I had such great peace in my soul that I myself was surprised that I could have had so many misgivings. 176 + Resolution: Faithfulness to inner inspirations, even though I would have no idea how much I would have to pay for it. I must do nothing on my own without first consulting the confessor. 177 + Renewal of vows. From the moment I woke up in the morning, my spirit was totally submerged in God, in that ocean of love. I felt that I had been completely immersed in Him. During Holy Mass, my love for Him reached a peak of intensity. After the renewal of vows and Holy Communion, I suddenly saw the Lord Jesus, who said to me with great kindness, My daughter, look at My merciful Heart. As I fixed my gaze on the Most Sacred Heart, the same rays of light, as are represented in the image as blood and water, came forth from it, and I understood how great is the Lord‟s mercy. And again Jesus said to me with kindness, My daughter, speak to priests about this inconceivable mercy of Mine. The flames of mercy are burning Me clamoring to be spent; I want to keep pouring them out upon souls; souls just don‟t want to believe in My goodness. Suddenly Jesus disappeared. But throughout that whole day my spirit remained immersed (89) in God‟s tangible presence, despite the buzz and chatter that usually follow a retreat. It did not disturb me in the least. My spirit was in God, although externally I took part in the conversations and even went to visit Derdy. 59 178 Today we are beginning the third probation. All three of us met at Mother Margaret‟s, as the other sisters were having their probation in the novitiate. Mother Margaret began with a prayer, explained to us what the third probation consists of, and then spoke on how great is the grace of the perpetual vows. Suddenly, I began to cry out loud. In an instant all God‟s graces appeared before the eyes of my soul, and I saw myself so wretched and ungrateful toward God. The sisters began to rebuke me, saying, “Why did she break out crying?” But Mother Margaret came to my defense, saying that she was not surprised. At the end of the hour, I went before the Blessed Sacrament and, like the greatest and most miserable of wretches, I begged for His mercy that He might heal and purify my poor soul. Then I head these words, My daughter, all your miseries have been consumed in the flame of My love, like a little twig thrown into a roaring fire. By humbling yourself in this way, you draw upon yourself and upon other souls an entire sea of My mercy. I answered, “Jesus, mold my poor heart according to Your divine delight.” 179 Throughout the third probation it was my duty to help the sister in the vestiary. 60 This duty gave me many occasions to practice virtues. Sometimes I had to take linen to certain sisters three times and still one could not satisfy them. But I also came to recognize the great virtues of some sisters who always asked (90) for the poorest things from the vestiary. I admired their spirit of humility and mortification. 180 + During Advent, a great yearning for God arose in my soul. My spirit rushed toward god with all its might. During that time, the Lord gave me much light to know His attributes. 77 The first attribute which the Lord gave me to know is His holiness. His holiness is so great that all the Powers and Virtues tremble before Him. The pure spirits veil their faces and lose themselves in unending adoration, and with one single word they express the highest form of adoration; that is – Holy….. The holiness of god is poured out upon the Church of God and upon every living soul in it, but not in the same degree. There are souls who are completely penetrated by God, and there are those who are barely alive. The second kind of knowledge which the Lord granted me concerns His justice. His justice is so great and penetrating that it reaches deep into the heart of things, and all things stand before Him in naked truth, and nothing can withstand Him. The third attribute is love and mercy. And I understood that the greatest attribute is love and mercy. It unites the creature with the Creator. This immense love and abyss of mercy are made known in the Incarnation of the Word and in the Redemption [of humanity], and it is here that I saw this as the greatest of all God‟s attributes. 181 Today I was cleaning the room of one of the sisters. Although I was trying to clean it with utmost care, she kept following me all the time and saying, “You‟ve left a speck of dust here and a spot on the floor there.” At each of her remarks I did each place over a dozen times (91 ) just to satisfy her. It is not work that makes me tired, but all this talking and excessive demands. My whole day‟s martyrdom was not enough for her, so she went to the Directress and complained, “Mother, who is this careless sister who doesn‟t know how to work quickly?” The next day, I went again to do the same job, without trying to explain myself. When she started driving me, I thought, “Jesus, one can be a silent martyr; it is not the work that wears you out, but this kind of martyrdom.” 182 I learned that certain people have a special gift for vexing others. They try you as best they can. The poor soul that falls into their hands can do nothing right; her best efforts are maliciously criticized. +Christmas Eve. Today I was closely united with the Mother of God. I relived her interior sentiments. In the evening, before the ceremony of the breaking of the wafer, I went into the chapel to break the wafer, in spirit, with my loved ones, and I asked the Mother of God for graces for them. My spirit was totally steeped in God. During the Midnight Mass [“Pasterka” or Shepherds‟ Mass], I saw the Child Jesus in the Host, and my spirit was immersed in Him. Although He was a tiny Child, His majesty penetrated my soul. I was permeated to the depths of my being by this mystery, this great abasement on the part of God, this inconceivable emptying of Himself. These sentiments remained vividly alive in my soul all through the festive season. Oh, we shall never comprehend this great self-abasement on the part of God; the more I think of it, [unfinished thought]. 183 One morning after Holy Communion, I heard this voice, I desire that you accompany Me when I go to the sick. I answered that I was quite willing, but after a moment of reflection I started wondering how I was going to do so; the sisters of the second choir 61 do not accompany the Blessed Sacrament. It is always the sister-directresses who go. (92) I thought to myself: Jesus will find a way. Shortly afterwards, Mother Raphael sent for me and said, “Sister, you will accompany the Lord Jesus when the priest goes to visit the sick.” And all through the time of my probation I carried the light, accompanying the Lord and, as a knight of Jesus, I always tried to gird myself with an iron belt, 62 for it would 78 not be proper to accompany the King in everyday dress. And I offered this mortification for the sick. 184 +Holy Hour. During this hour, I tried to meditate on the Lord‟s Passion. But my soul was filled with joy, and suddenly I saw the Child Jesus. But His majesty penetrated me to such an extent that I said, “Jesus, You are so little, and yet I know that You are my Creator and Lord.” And Jesus answered me, I am, and I keep company with you as a child to teach you humility and simplicity. I gathered all my sufferings and difficulties into a bouquet for Jesus for the day of our perpetual betrothal. Nothing was difficult for me, when I remembered it was for my Betrothed as proof of my love for Him. 185 +My silence for Jesus. I strove after great silence for Jesus. Amidst the greatest din, Jesus always found silence in my heart, although it sometimes cost me a lot. But what can be too great for Jesus, for Him whom I love with all the strength of my heart? 186 +Today Jesus said to me, I desire that you know more profoundly the love that burns in My Heart for souls, and you will understand this when you meditate upon My Passion. Call upon My mercy on behalf of sinners; I desire their (93) salvation. When you say this prayer, with a contrite heart and with faith on behalf of some sinner, I will give him the grace of conversion. This is the prayer: 187 “O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of Mercy for us, I trust in You.” 188 During the last days of the carnival, when I was making a Holy hour, I saw how the Lord Jesus suffered as He was being scourged. Oh, such an inconceivable agony! How terribly Jesus suffered during the scourging! O poor sinners, on the day of judgment how will you face the Jesus whom you are now torturing so cruelly: His blood flowed to the ground, and in some places His flesh started to fall off. I saw a few bare bones on His back. The meek Jesus moaned softly and sighed. 189 On one occasion, Jesus gave me to know how pleasing to Him is the soul that faithfully keeps the rule. A soul will receive a greater reward for observing the rule than for penances and great mortifications. The latter will be rewarded also if they are undertaken over and above the rule, but they will not surpass the rule. 190 Once during an adoration, the Lord demanded that I give myself up to Him as an offering, by bearing a certain suffering in atonement, not only for the sins of the world in general, but specifically for transgressions committed in this house. Immediately I said, “Very good; I am ready.” But Jesus gave me to see what I was going to suffer, and in one moment the whole passion unfolded itself before my eyes. Firstly, my intentions will not be recognized; there will be all kinds of suspicion and distrust as well as various kinds of humiliations and adversities. I will not mention everything here, (94) All these things stood before my soul‟s eye like a dark storm from which lightning was ready to strike at any moment, waiting only for my consent. For a moment, my nature was frightened. Then suddenly the dinner bell rang. I left the chapel, trembling and undecided. But the sacrifice was ever present before me, for I had neither decided to accept it, nor had I refused the Lord. I wanted to place myself completely in His will. If the Lord Jesus 79 Himself were to impose it on me, I was ready. But Jesus gave me to know that I myself was to give my free consent and accept it with full consciousness, or else it would be meaningless. Its whole power was contained in my free act before God. But at the same time, Jesus gave me to understand that the decision was completely within my power. I could do it or not do it. And so I then answered immediately, “Jesus, I accept everything that You wish to send me; I trust in Your goodness.” At that moment, I felt that by this act I glorified God greatly. But I armed myself with patience. As soon as I left the chapel, I had an encounter with reality. I do not want to describe the details, but there was as much of it as I was able to bear. I would not have been able to bear even one drop more. 191 +One morning I heard these words in my soul: Go to Mother General [Michael] and tell her that this thing displeases Me in such and such a house. I cannot mention what the thing was nor the house in question, but I did tell it to Mother General, although it cost me very much. 192 Once, I took upon myself a terrible temptation which one of our students in the house at Warsaw was going through. It was the temptation of suicide. For seven days I suffered; and after the seven days Jesus granted her the grace which was being asked, and then my suffering also ceased. It was a great suffering. I often take upon myself the torments of our students. Jesus permits me to do this, and so do my confessors. 193 (95) My heart is a permanent dwelling place for Jesus. No one but Jesus has access to it. It is from Jesus that I derive strength to fight difficulties and oppositions. I want to be transformed into Jesus in order to be able to give myself completely to souls. Without Jesus I would not get near to souls, because I know what I am of myself. I absorb God into myself in order to give Him to souls. 194 +March 27. I desire to struggle, toil and empty myself for our work of saving immortal souls. It does not matter if these efforts should shorten my life; it is no longer mine, but belongs to the Community. I want to be useful to the whole Church by being faithful to my Community. 195 O Jesus, today my soul is as though darkened by suffering. Not a single ray of light. The storm is raging, and Jesus is asleep. O my Master, I will not wake You; I will not interrupt Your sweet sleep. I believe that You fortify me without my knowing it. Throughout the long hours I adore You, O living Bread, amidst the great drought in my soul. O Jesus, pure Love, I do not need consolations; I am nourished by Your will, O Mighty One! Your will is the goal of my existence. It seems to me that the whole world serves me and depends on me. You, O Lord, understand my soul with all its aspirations. Jesus, when I myself cannot sing You the hymn of love, I admire the singing of the Seraphim, they who are so dearly loved by You. I desire to drown myself in You as they do. Nothing will stem such love, for no might has power over it. It is like lightning that illuminates the darkness, (96) but does not remain in it. O my Master, shape my soul according to Your will and Your eternal designs! 196 A certain person seems to have made it her task to try out my virtue in all sorts of ways. One day, she stopped me in the corridor and began by saying that she had no grounds for rebuking me, but she ordered me to stand there opposite the small chapel 63 for half an 80 hour and to wait for Mother Superior, who was to pass by there after recreation, 64 and I was to accuse myself of various things which she had told me to say. Although I had no idea of these things being on my soul, I was obedient and waited for Mother Superior for a full half hour. Each sister who passed by looked at me with a smile. When I accused myself before Mother Superior [Raphael], she sent me to my confessor. When I made my confession, the priest saw immediately that this was something that did not come from my own soul and that I had not the faintest idea of such things. He was very surprised that this person had dared to take upon herself to give such orders. 197 O Church of God, you are the best mother, you alone can rear a soul and cause it to grow. Oh, how great is my love and respect for the Church, that best of all mothers! 198 On one occasion the Lord said to me, My daughter, your confidence and love restrain My justice, and I cannot inflict punishment because you hinder Me from doing so. Oh, how great is the power of a soul filled with confidence! 199 When I think of my perpetual vows and Who it is that wants to be joined with me, for hours I become absorbed in the thought of Him. How can this be; You are God and I – I am Your creature. You, the Immortal King and I, a beggar and misery itself! But now all is clear to me; (97) Your grace and Your love, O Lord, will fill the gulf between You, Jesus, and me. 200 O Jesus, how deeply it hurts the soul when it is always trying to be sincere and they accuse it of hypocrisy and behave with mistrust toward it. O Jesus, You also suffered like this to make satisfaction to Your Father.