1451 + I am ending the old year with suffering and beginning the new one with suffering as well. Two days before the new year, I had to go to bed, I was feeling very bad, and a violent cough was weakening me. And together with this, a constant pain in my intestines and nausea had brought me to the point of exhaustion. Although I could not join in community prayer, 224 I united myself spiritually with the whole community. When the sisters got up at eleven o‟clock at night to keep vigil and welcome the New Year, I had been writhing in agony since nightfall, and this lasted until midnight. I was uniting my sufferings to the prayers of the sisters who were keeping vigil in the chapel and atoning to God for the offences of sinners. 1452 When the clock struck twelve, my soul immersed itself more deeply in recollection, and I heard a voice in my soul: (63) Do not fear, My little child, you are not alone. Fight bravely, because My arm is supporting you; fight for the salvation of souls, exhorting them to trust in My mercy, as that is your task in this life and in the life to come. After these words, I received a deeper understanding of divine mercy. Only that soul who wants it will be damned, for God condemns no one. 1453 Today is the Feast of the New Year. I felt so bad in the morning that I barely managed to go to the next cell to receive Holy Communion. 225 I could not go to Mass because I felt so sick, and I made my thanksgiving in bed too. I wanted so much to go to Mass and then to confession to Father Andrasz, but I felt so bad that I could go neither to Mass nor to confession. And because of this my soul suffered a good deal. After breakfast, the Sister Infirmarian [Sister Chrysostom] came along and asked, “Sister, why didnt you go to Mass?” IN answered that I couldn‟t. She shook her head disdainfully and said, “Such a great Feast Day, Sister, and you don‟t even go to Mass!” and she left my cell. I had been in bed for two days, writhing in pain, and she hadn‟t visited me; and when she did come, (64) on the third day, she did not even ask if I were able to get up, but asked irritably why I hadn‟t got up for Mass. When I was alone, I tried to get up, but I was seized again with sickness, and so I stayed in bed with a calm conscience. Yet my heart had plenty to offer the Lord, joining itself spiritually to Him during the second Mass. After the second Mass, Sister Infirmarian returned to me, but this time in her capacity as infirmarian, and with a thermometer. But I had no fever, although I was seriously ill and unable to rise. So there was another sermon to tell me that I should not capitulate to illness. I answered her that I knew that here one was regarded as seriously ill only when one was in one‟s last agony. However, knowing that she was about to give me a lecture, I replied that at the present time I was in no need of being incited to greater zeal. And once again, I remained alone in my cell. My heart was crushed with sorrow, and bitterness flooded my soul, and I repeated these words: “Welcome New Year; welcome, cup of bitterness.” My Jesus, my heart is eager for You, and yet the gravity of my illness prevents me from participating physically (65) in the community prayers, and I am suspected of being lazy. My sufferings are becoming greater. After dinner, Mother Superior [Irene] looked in for a moment, but she left very soon. I intended to ask to have Father Andrasz come to my cell to hear my confession, but I restrained myself from making the request for two reasons: first, not to give occasion for murmuring, as had happened above in respect to Holy Mass; and 321 secondly, because I would not even be able to make the confession, since I felt I would burst into tears like a little child. A while later, one of the sisters came along and again reproved me: “There‟s some milk with butter in the oven, Sister; why don‟t you drink it?” I answered that there was no one to bring it to me. 1454 + When night fell, the physical sufferings increased and were joined by moral sufferings. Night and suffering. The solemn silence of the night made it possible for me to suffer freely. My body was stretched on the wood of the cross. I writhed in terrible pain until eleven o‟clock. I went in spirit to the Tabernacle and uncovered the ciborium, leaning my head on the rim of the cup, and all my tears (66) flowed silently toward the Heart of Him who alone understands what pain and suffering is. And I experienced the sweetness of this suffering, and my soul came to desire this sweet agony, which I would not have exchanged for all the world‟s treasures. The Lord gave me strength of spirit and love towards those through whom these sufferings came. This then was the first day of the year. 1455 Also on this day I felt the prayer of a beautiful soul [probably Father Sopocko or Father Andrasz] who was praying for me and giving me, in spirit, his priestly blessing. I answered in return with my own ardent prayer. 1456 + O most gracious Lord, how merciful it is on Your part to judge each one according to his conscience and his discernment, and not according to people‟s talk. My spirit delights and feeds more and more on Your wisdom, which I am getting to know more and more deeply. And in this, the vastness of Your mercy becomes more and more manifest to me. O my Jesus, the effect of all this knowledge on my soul is that I am being transformed into a flame of love towards You, my God. 1457 (67) + January 2, 1938. As I was preparing for Holy Communion today, Jesus demanded that I should write more; not only about the graces which He grants me, but also about external matters, and this for the consolation of many souls. 1458 + After that night of suffering, when the priest [Father Matzänger226] entered my cell with the lord Jesus, such fervor filled my whole being that I felt that if the priest had tarried a little longer, Jesus himself would have leaped out of his hand and come to me.
1459 After Holy Communion the Lord said to me, If the priest had not brought Me to you, I would have come Myself under the same species. My daughter, your sufferings of this night obtained the grace of mercy for an immense number of souls. 1460 + My daughter, I have something to tell you. I replied, “Speak, Jesus, for I thirst for Your words.” It displeases Me that, because the sisters were murmuring, you did not ask to have Father Andrasz hear your confession in your cell. Know that, because of this, you gave them even greater cause for murmuring. (68) Very humbly I begged the Lord‟s forgiveness, O my Master, rebuke me; do not overlook my faults, and do not let me err. 1461 + O my Jesus, when I am misunderstood and my soul is in anguish, I want to stay a while alone with You. The words of mortals give me no comfort. Do not send me, O Lord, such messengers as speak only for themselves and say what their own nature dictates to them. Such consolers make me very tired. 322 1462 January 6, 1938. Today, when the chaplain [Father Theodore] brought the Lord Jesus, a light issued from the Host, its light striking my heart and filling me with a great fire of love. Jesus was letting me know that I should answer the inspirations of grace with more faithfulness, and that my vigilance should be more subtle. 1463 + The Lord also gave me to know that many bishops were considering the question of this Feast, as well as a certain lay person. Some were enthusiastic about this work of God, while others regarded it with disbelief; but in spite of everything, the result was great glory for the (69) work of God. Mother Irene and Mother Mary Joseph were giving some kind of a report to these dignitaries, but they were being questioned, not so much about the work, as about myself. 227 As regards the work itself, there was no doubt, since the glory of God was already being proclaimed. 1464 I feel much better today. I was glad I would be able to meditate more during the Holy Hour. Then I heard a voice: You will not be in good health. Do not put off the Sacrament of Penance, because this displeases Me. Pay little attention to the murmurs of those around you. This surprised me, because I am feeling better today, but I gave it no more thought. When the sister switched off the light, I began the holy Hour. But after a while something went wrong with my heart. I suffered in silence until eleven o‟clock, but then I began to feel so bad that I woke up Sister N. [probably Sister Fabiola], who is my roommate, and she gave me some drops, which brought me a little relief so that I could lie down. I now understand the Lord‟s warning. I decided to call any priest at all, the next day, and to open (70) the secrets of my soul to him. But that was not all, for while I was praying for sinners and offering all my sufferings for them, the Evil Spirit could not stand that. 1465 Taking the form of an apparition he said, “Do not pray for sinners, but for yourself, for you will be damned.” Paying no attention to Satan, I continued to pray with redoubled fervor for sinners. The Evil Spirit howled with fury, “Oh, if I had power over you!” and disappeared. I saw that my suffering and prayer shackled Satan and snatched many souls from his clutches. 1466 Jesus, lover of human salvation, draw all souls to the divine life. May the greatness of Your mercy be praised here on earth and in eternity. O great lover of souls, who in Your boundless compassion opened the salutary fountains of mercy so that weak souls may be fortified in this life‟s pilgrimage, Your mercy runs through our life like a golden thread and maintains in good order the contact of our being with God. For He does not need anything to make Him happy; so everything is (71 ) solely the work of His mercy. My senses are transfixed with joy when God grants me a deeper awareness of that great attribute of His; namely, His unfathomable mercy. 1467 January 7, 1938. First Friday of the month. This morning during Mass, for a brief while, I saw the suffering Savior. What struck me was that Jesus was so peaceful amidst His great sufferings. I understood that this was a lesson for me on what my outward behavior should be in the midst of my various sufferings. 1468 For quite a long while, I felt pain in my hands, feet and side. Then I saw a certain sinner who, profiting from my sufferings, drew near to the Lord. All this for starving souls that they may not die of starvation. 323 1469 + I went to confession to the chaplain [Father Theodore] today. Jesus comforted me through this priest. O my Mother, Church of God, you are a true Mother who understands her children…… 1470 (72) Oh, how good it is that Jesus will judge us according to our conscience and not according to people‟s talk and judgments. O inconceivable goodness, I see You full of goodness in the very act of judgment. 1471 Although I am feeling weak, and my nature is clamoring for rest, I feel the inspiration of grace telling me to take hold of myself and write, write for the comfort of souls, whom I love so much and with whom I will share all eternity. And I desire eternal life for them so ardently that that is why I use all my free moments, no matter how short, for writing in the way that Jesus wishes of me. 1472 January 8. During Holy Mass, I had a moment of knowledge concerning Father S., that great glory is being given to God through our mutual efforts. And even though we are far from each other, we are often together, because we are united by a common goal. 1473 O my Jesus, my only desire, although I wanted to receive You today with greater fervor than ever, (73) nevertheless, precisely on this day, my soul is drier than ever. My faith grows in power, and so the fruit of Your coming, Lord, will be abundant. Although many a time You come without touching my senses and reign only in the loftier part of me, the senses too sometimes rejoice at Your coming. 1474 I often ask the Lord Jesus for an intellect enlightened by faith. I express this to the Lord in these words: “Jesus, give me an intellect, a great intellect, for this only, that I may understand You better; because the better I get to know You, the more ardently will I love You. Jesus, I ask You for a powerful intellect, that I may understand divine and lofty matters. Jesus, give me a keen intellect with which I will get to know Your Divine Essence and Your indwelling, Triune life. Give my intellect these capacities and aptitudes by means of your special grace. Although I know that there is a capability through grace which the Church gives me, there is still a treasure of graces which You give us, O Lord, when we ask You for them. But if my request is not pleasing to You, then I beg You, do not give me the inclination to pray thus.” 1475 (74) I strive for the greatest perfection possible in order to be useful to the Church. Greater by far is my bond to the Church. The sanctity or the fall of each individual soul has an effect upon the whole Church. Observing myself and those who are close to me, I have come to understand how great an influence I have on other souls, not by any heroic deeds, as these are striking in themselves, but by small actions like a movement of the hand, a look, and many other things too numerous to mention, which have an effect on and reflect in the souls of others, as I myself have noticed. 1476 Oh, how good it is that our rule demands strict silence in the dormitory [common bedrooms] and does not allow us to stay in them unless it is absolutely necessary. I have at present a little room in which two of us sleep, but at the time of my sickness when I had to stay in bed, I found out how bothersome it was if someone was sitting in the bedroom all the time. Sister N. 228 had some handwork to do and sat in the bedroom almost all of the time, (75) and another S. 229 would come to instruct her on how to do it. 324 It‟s difficult to describe how much this tires one, especially when one is ill and has spent a night in pain. Every word has a repercussion somewhere in the brain, especially when the eyes are heavy with sleep. O rule, how much love there is in you…… 1477 When, during Vespers, the Magnificat was being sung and they came to the words, “He has shown the strength of His arm,” a profound spirit of recollection enveloped my soul, and I understood that the Lord would soon accomplish His work in my soul. 230 I am not surprised now that the Lord did not disclose everything to me at first.
1478 + Why are You sad today, Jesus? Tell me, who is the cause of Your sadness? And Jesus answered me. Chosen souls who do not have my spirit, who live according to the letter [cf. 2 Cor. 3:6] and have placed the letter above My spirit, above the spirit of love. I have founded My whole law on love, and yet I do not see love, even in religious orders. This is why sadness fills My Heart.(76) J. M. J. 1479 O my Jesus, in terrible bitterness and pain, I yet feel the caress of Your Divine Heart. Like a good mother, You press me to Your bosom, And even now You give me to experience what the veil hides. O my Jesus, in this wilderness and terror which surround me, My heart still feels the warmth of Your gaze, Which no storm can blot out form me, As You give me the assurance of your great love, O God. O my Jesus, midst the great miseries of this life, You shine like a star, O Jesus, protecting me from shipwreck. And though my miseries be great, I have great trust in the power of Your mercy. O hidden Jesus, in the many struggles of my last hour, May the omnipotence of Your grace be poured out upon my soul, That at death‟s moment I may gaze upon You And see You face to face, as do the chosen in heaven. O my Jesus, midst the dangers which surround me, I go through life with a cry of joy, my head raised proudly, Because against Your Heart so filled with love, O Jesus, All enemies will be crushed, all darkness dispelled. 1480 (77) + Jesus, hide me in Your mercy and shield me against everything that might terrify my soul. Do not let my trust in Your mercy be disappointed. Shield me with the omnipotence of Your mercy, and judge me leniently as well. 325 1481 Today231 during Holy Mass, I saw the Infant Jesus near my kneeler. He appeared to be about one year old, and He asked me to take Him in my arms. When I did take Him in my arms, He cuddled up close to my bosom and said, It is good for Me to be close to your heart. “Although You are so little, I know that You are God. Why do You take the appearance of such a little baby to commune with me?” Because I want to teach you spiritual childhood. I want you to be very little, because when you are little, I carry you close to My Heart, just as you are holding Me close to your heart right now. And with that, I was again alone, but no one can conceive the emotions of my soul, I was so fully plunged in God, like a sponge thrown into the sea. 1482 (78) + O my Jesus, You know that I have gotten myself into a lot of trouble for speaking out the truth. O truth, so often oppressed, you nearly always wear a crown of thorns! O Eternal Truth, support me that I may have the courage to speak the truth even if it would come about that I would pay for it with my life. O Jesus, how hard it is to believe in this, when one sees one thing taught and something else lived. 1483 This is why, during the retreat, after a long observation of life, I resolved to fix my eyes firmly on You, Jesus, the most perfect of models. O eternity, which will uncover many secrets and make manifest the truth….. 1484 O Living Host, support me in this exile, that I may be empowered to walk faithfully in the footsteps of the Savior. I do not ask, Lord, that You take me down from the cross, but I implore You to give me the strength to remain steadfast upon it. I want to be stretched out upon the cross as You were, Jesus. I want all the tortures and pains that You suffered. I want to drink the cup of bitterness to the dregs.
(79) The Goodness of God. 1485 The mercy of God, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, the voice of the Lord who speaks to us from the throne of mercy: Come to Me, all of you. Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior; O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart. Soul: Lord, I hear your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so. Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle. Soul: Lord, I recognize your holiness, and I fear You. Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness (80) does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold, for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth the tabernacle and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue or guards. You can come to me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace. 326 Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright. Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire world. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed myself to be nailed to the cross; for you I let my Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come, then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace. (81 ) Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You Yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but you did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am. Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My Mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy. (82) Conversation of the Merciful God With a Despairing Soul. 1486 Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy. -- But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness. Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father. -- In the soul arises this reply: “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near God. Jesus calls to the soul a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self-chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand (83) God‟s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest. 327
My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace. Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father. Soul (as if awaking, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there yet is mercy for me? Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life. Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness. Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does that after so many efforts of My (84) love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness. Soul: O Lord, save me Yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord….. Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love. Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it. Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart. Jesus: Tell me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you. Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve (85) the depths of hell for spurning Your graces. Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery you are still too weak to speak of it but, rather; gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey. Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me, and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me. 328 + Conversation of the Merciful God with a Suffering Soul 1487 Jesus: Poor soul, I see that you suffer much and that you do not have even the strength to converse with me. So I will speak to you. Even though your sufferings were (86) very great, do not lose heart or give in to despondency. But tell Me, my child, who has dared to wound your heart? Tell me about everything, be sincere in dealing with Me, reveal all the wounds of your heart. I will heal them, and your suffering will become a source of your sanctification. Soul: Lord, my sufferings are so great and numerous and have lasted so long that I become discouraged. Jesus: My child, do not be discouraged. I know your boundless trust in Me; I know you are aware of My goodness and mercy. Let us talk in detail about everything that weighs so heavily upon your heart. Soul: There are so many different things that I do not know what to speak about first, nor how to express it. Jesus: Talk to Me simply, as a friend to a friend. Tell Me now, My child, what hinders you from advancing in holiness? Soul: Poor health detains me on the way to holiness. I cannot fulfill my duties. I am as useless as an extra wheel on a wagon. I cannot mortify myself or fast to any extent, as the saints did. (87) Furthermore, nobody believes I am sick, so that mental pain is added to those of the body, and I am often humiliated. Jesus, how can anyone become holy in such circumstances? Jesus: True, my child, all that is painful. But there is no way to heaven except the way of the cross. I followed it first. You must learn that it is the shortest and surest way. Soul: Lord, there is another obstacle on the road to holiness. Because I am faithful to You, I am persecuted and suffer much. Jesus: It is because you are not of this world that the world hates you. First it persecuted Me. Persecution is a sign that you are following in My footsteps faithfully. Soul: My Lord, I am also discouraged because neither my superiors nor my confessor understand my interior trials. A darkness clouds my mind. How can I advance? All this discourages me from striving for the heights of sanctity. Jesus: Well, My child, this time you have told Me a good deal. I realize how painful it is not to be (88) understood, and especially by those whom one loves and with whom one has been very open. But suffice it to know that I understand all your troubles and misery. I am pleased by the deep faith you have, despite everything, in My representatives. Learn from this that no one will understand a soul entirely that is beyond human ability. Therefore, I have remained on earth 329 to comfort your aching heart and to fortify your soul, so that you will not falter on the way. You say that a dense darkness is obscuring your mind. But why, at such times, do you not come to Me, the light who can in an instant pour into your soul more understanding about holiness than can be found in any books? No confessor is capable of teaching and enlightening a soul in this way. Know, too, that the darkness about which you complain I first endured in the Garden of Olives when My Soul was crushed in mortal anguish. I am giving you a share in those sufferings because of My special love for you and in view of the high degree of holiness I am (89) intending for you in heaven. A suffering soul is closest to My Heart. Soul: One more thing, Lord. What should I do when I am ignored and rejected by people, especially by those on whom I had a right to count in times of greatest need? Jesus: My child, make the resolution never to rely on people. Entrust yourself completely to My will saying, “Not as I want, but according to Your will, O God, let it be done unto me.” These words, spoken from the depths of one‟s heart, can raise a soul to the summit of sanctity in a short time. In such a soul I delight. Such a soul gives Me glory. Such a soul fills heaven with the fragrance of her virtue. But understand that the strength by which you bear sufferings comes from frequent Communions. So approach this fountain of mercy often, to draw with the vessel of trust whatever you need. Soul: Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness in remaining with us in this exile as the God of mercy (90) and blessing us with the radiance of Your compassion and goodness. It is through the light of Your mercy that I have come to understand how much You love me. 1488 Conversation of the Merciful God with a Soul Striving after Perfection. Jesus: I am pleased with your efforts, O soul aspiring for perfection, but why do I see you so often sad and depressed? Tell Me, My child, what is the meaning of this sadness, and what is its cause? Soul: Lord, the reason for my sadness is that, in spite of my sincere resolutions, I fall again into the same faults. I make resolutions in the morning, but in the evenings I see how much I have departed from them. Jesus: You see, My child, what you are of yourself. The cause of your falls is that you rely too much upon yourself and too little on Me. But let this not sadden you so much. You are dealing with the God of mercy, which your misery cannot exhaust. Remember, I did not allot only a certain number of pardons. Soul: Yes, I know all that, (91 ) but great temptations assail me, and various doubts awaken within me and, moreover, everything irritates and discourages me. Jesus: My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety. These will deprive you of the ability to practice virtue. All temptations united together ought not disturb your interior peace, not 330
even momentarily. Sensitiveness and discouragement are the fruits of self-love. You should not become discouraged, but strive to make My love reign in place of your self-love. Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon, for I am always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My mercy. Soul: I understand what is the better thing to do, what pleases You more, but I encounter great obstacles in acting on this understanding. Jesus: Mi child, life on earth is a struggle indeed; a great struggle for My kingdom. But fear not, because you are not alone. I am always supporting you, (92) so lean on Me as you struggle, fearing nothing. Take the vessel of trust and draw from the fountain of life for yourself, but also for other souls, especially such as are distrustful of My goodness. Soul: O Lord, I feel my heart being filled with Your love and the rays of Your mercy and love piercing my soul. I go, Lord, at Your command. I go to conquer souls. Sustained by Your grace, I am ready to follow You, Lord, not only to Tabor, but also to Calvary. I desire to lead souls to the fount of Your mercy so that the splendor of Your mercy may be reflected in all souls, and the home of our Father be filled to overflowing. And when the enemy begins to attach me, I shall take refuge behind the shield of Your mercy. 1 489 Conversation of the Merciful God with a Perfect Soul. Soul: My Lord and Master, I desire to converse with You. Jesus: Speak, My beloved (93) child, for I am always listening. I wait for you. What do you desire to say? Soul: Lord, first let me pour out my heart at Your feet in a fragrant anointing of gratitude for the many blessings which You lavish upon me; even if I wanted to, I could not count them. I only recall that there has never been a moment in my life in which I have not experienced Your protection and goodness. Jesus: Your words please Me, and your thanksgiving opens up new treasures of graces. But, My child, we should talk in more detail about the things that lie in your heart. Let us talk confidentially and frankly, as two hearts that love one another do. Soul: O my merciful Lord, there are secrets in my heart which no one knows or will ever know except You because, even if I wanted to reveal them, no one would understand me. Your minister knows some because I confess to him, but he knows only the bit of these mysteries that I am capable of revealing; the rest remains between us for eternity, O My Lord! (94) You have covered me with the cloak of Your mercy, pardoning my sins. Not once did You refuse Your pardon; You always had pity on me, giving me a new life of grace. To prevent doubts, You have entrusted me to the loving care of Your Church, that tender mother, who in Your Name assures me of the truths of faith and watches lest I wander. Especially in the tribunal of Your mercy does my soul meet an ocean of favors, though You did not give the Fallen Angels time to repent or prolong 331 their time of mercy. O my Lord, you have provided saintly priests to show me the sure way. Jesus, there is one more secret in my life, the deepest and dearest to my heart: it is You Yourself when You come to my heart under the appearance of bread. Herein lies the whole secret of my sanctity. Here my heart is so united with Yours as to be but one. There are no more secrets, because all that is Yours is mine, and all that is mine is Yours. Such is the omnipotence and the (95) miracle of Your mercy. All the tongues of men and of angels united could not find words adequate to this mystery of Your love and mercy. When I contemplate this mystery, my heart falls into a new ecstasy. In silence I tell You everything, Lord, because the language of love is without words; not a single stirring of my heart escapes You. O Lord, the extent of Your great condescension has awakened in my soul an even greater love for You, the sole object of my love. The life of union manifests itself in perfect purity, deep humility, gentle silence, and great zeal for the salvation of souls. O my sweetest Lord, You watch over me each moment and inspire me as to how I should act in a precise situation, when my heart wavers between two things. You Yourself frequently intervened in the resolution of a difficulty. Countless times, by means of a sudden (96) enlightenment, You have given me to know what is the more pleasing to you. Oh, how numerous are the instances of forgiveness about which no one knows! How often You have poured into my soul courage and perseverance to go forward. It is You Youself who removed obstacles from my road, intervening directly in the actions of people. O Jesus, everything I have said to You is but a pale shadow of what is taking place in my hart. O my Jesus, how ardently I desire the conversion of sinners! You know what I am doing for them to win them for You. Every offense against You wounds me deeply. I spare neither strength, nor health, nor life itself in defense of Your kingdom. Although my efforts may remain invisible on earth, they are no less valuable in Your eyes. O Jesus, I want to bring souls to the fount of Your mercy to draw the reviving water of life with the vessel of trust. The soul desirous of more of God‟s mercy should approach God with greater trust; and if the trust in God is unlimited, then the mercy of God toward it will be likewise limitless. O my God, (97) You know every beat of my heart. You know how eagerly I desire that all hearts would beat for You alone, that every soul glorify the greatness of Your mercy. Jesus: My beloved child, delight of My Heart, your words are dearer and more pleasing to me than the angelic chorus. All the treasures of My Heart are open to you. Take from this Heart all that you need for yourself and for the whole world. For the sake of your love, I withhold the just chastisements, which mankind has deserved. A single act of pure love pleases Me more than a thousand imperfect prayers. One of your sighs of love atones for many offenses with which the godless overwhelm Me. The smallest act of virtue has unlimited value in My eyes because of your great love for Me. In a soul that lives on My love alone, I reign as in heaven. I watch over it day and night. In it I find My happiness; My ear is 332 attentive to (98) each request of its heart; often I anticipate its requests. O child, especially beloved by Me, apple of My eye, rest a moment near My Heart and taste of the love in which you will delight for all eternity. But child, you are not yet in your homeland; so go, fortified by My grace, and fight for My kingdom in human souls; fight as a king's child would; and remember that the days of your exile will pass quickly, and with them the possibility of earning merit for heaven. I expect from you, My child, a great number of souls who will glorify My mercy for all eternity. My child, that you may answer My call worthily, receive Me daily in Holy Communion. It will give you strength……. (99) Jesus, do not leave me alone in suffering. You know, Lord, how weak I am. I am an abyss of wretchedness, I am nothingness itself; so what will be so strange if You leave me alone and I fall? I am an infant, Lord, so I cannot get along my myself. However, beyond all abandonment I trust, and in spite of my own feeling I trust, and I am being completely transformed into trust – often in spite of what I feel. Do not lessen any of my sufferings, only give me strength to bear them. Do with me as You please, Lord, only give me the grace to be able to love You in every event and circumstance, Lord, do not lessen my cup of bitterness, only give me strength that I may be able to drink it all. O lord, sometimes You lift me up to the brightness of visions, and then again You plunge me into the darkness of night and the abyss of my nothingness, and my soul feels as if it were alone in the wilderness. Yet, above all things, I trust in You, Jesus, for You are unchangeable. My moods change, but You are always the same, full of mercy. 1490 (100) + Jesus, source of life, sanctify me. O my strength, fortify me. My Commander, fight for me. Only light of my soul, enlighten me. My Master, guide me. I entrust myself to You as a little child does to its mother‟s love. Even if all things were to conspire against me, and even if the ground were to give way under my feet, I would be at peace close to Your Heart. You are always a most tender mother to me, and You surpass all mothers. I will sing of my pain to You by my silence, and You will understand me beyond any utterance…… 1491 + The Lord visited me today and said, My daughter, do not be afraid of what will happen to you. I will give you nothing beyond your strength. You know the power of My grace; let that be enough. After these words, the Lord gave me a deeper understanding of the action of His grace. 1492 Before Holy Communion, Jesus gave me to understand that I should pay absolutely no attention (101 ) to what a certain sister would say, because her cunning and malice were displeasing to Him. My daughter, do not speak to this person about either your views or your opinions. I begged the Lord‟s pardon for what in that soul was displeasing to Him, and I begged Him to strengthen me with His grace when she would come to talk with me again. She has asked me about many things, to which I gave answer with all my sisterly love and, as evidence that I have spoken to her from the bottom of my heart, I have told her some things that came from my own experience. But her intentions were something quite different from the words on her lips….. 333 1493 + O my Jesus, from the moment I gave myself completely to You, I have given no thought whatsoever for myself. You may do with me whatever You like. There is only one thing I think about; that is, what do You prefer; what can I do, O Lord, to please You. I listen and watch for each opportunity. It matters not if I am outwardly judged otherwise in this matter….. 1494 (1 02) January 15, 1938. Today, when the sister about whom the Lord warned me came to see me, I armed myself spiritually for battle. Although it cost me much, I did not depart one bit from what the Lord had commanded. But when an hour had gone by, and the sister made no move to go, I interiorly called upon Jesus to help. Then I heard a voice in my soul saying, Do not fear. I am watching you this very moment and am helping you. In a moment, I will send you two sisters who are coming to visit you, and then you will find it easy to continue the conversation. And at that moment two sisters entered, and then the conversation was much easier, even though it lasted for still another half hour. 1495 Oh, how good it is to call on Jesus for help during a conversation. Oh, how good it is, during a moment of peace, to beg for actual graces. I fear most of all this sort of confidential conversation; there is need of much divine light at times like this, in order to speak with profit, both for the other person‟s soul, and for one‟s own as well. God, however, comes to our aid; but we have to ask Him for it. Let no one trust too much in his own self. 1496 (103) January 17, 1938. Today, since early in the morning, my soul has been in darkness. I cannot ascend to Jesus, and I feel as though I have been forsaken by Him. I will not turn to creatures for light, because I know that they will not enlighten me if Jesus wills to keep me in darkness. I submit myself to His holy will and suffer. Still, the struggle is becoming more and more desperate. During Vespers, I wanted to unite myself with the sisters through prayer. 1497 When I went, in my thoughts, to the chapel, my spirit was plunged into even greater darkness. Total discouragement came over me. Than I heard Satan‟s voice: “See how contradictory everything is that Jesus gives to you: He tells you to found a convent, and then He gives you sickness; He tells you to set about establishing this Feast of Mercy while the whole world does not at all want such a feast. Why do you pray for this feast? It is so inopportune.” My soul remained silent and, by an act of will, continued to pray without entering into conversation with the Spirit of Darkness. Nevertheless, such an extraordinary disgust with life came over me that I had to make a great act of the will to consent to go on living….(104) And again I heard the tempter‟s words: “Ask for death for yourself, tomorrow after Holy Communion. God will hear you, for He has heard you so many times before and has given you that which you asked of Him.” I remained silent and, by an act of will, I began to pray, or rather, submitted myself to God, asking Him interiorly not to abandon me at this moment. It was already eleven o‟clock at night, and there was silence all around. The sisters were all asleep in their cells, and my soul alone was struggling with great exertion. The tempter went on: “Why should you bother about other souls? You ought to be praying only for yourself. As for sinners, they will be converted without your prayers. I 334 see that you are suffering very much at this moment. I‟m going to give you a piece of advice on which your happiness will depend: Never speak about God‟s mercy and, in particular, do not encourage sinners to trust in God‟s mercy, because they deserve a just punishment. Another very important thing: Do not tell your confessors, and especially this extraordinary confessor and the priest in Vilnius, about what goes on in your soul. I know them; I know who they are, and so I want to put you on your guard (105) against them. You see, to live as good nun, it is sufficient to live like all the others. Why expose yourself to so many difficulties?” 1498 I remained silent, and by an act of will I dwelt in God, although a moan escaped from my heart. Finally, the tempter went away and I, exhausted, fell asleep immediately. In the morning, right after receiving Holy Communion, I went immediately to my cell and falling on my knees I renewed my act of submission in all things to the will of God. “Jesus, I ask You, give me the strength for battle. Let it be done to me according to Your most holy will. My soul is enamored of Your most holy will.” 1499 At that moment, I saw Jesus, who said, I am pleased with what you are doing. And you can continue to be at peace if you always do the best you can in respect to this work of mercy. Be absolutely as frank as possible with your confessor. Satan gained nothing by tempting you, because you did not enter into conversation with him. Continue to act in this way. You gave Me great glory today by fighting so faithfully. (106) Let it be confirmed and engraved on your heart that I am always with you, even if you don‟t feel My presence at the time of battle. 1500 Today, the love of god is transporting me into the other world. I am all immersed in love; I love and feel that I am loved, and with full consciousness I experience this. My soul is drowning in the Lord, realizing the great Majesty of God and its own littleness; but through this knowledge my happiness increases…. This awareness is so vivid in the soul, so powerful and, at the same time, so sweet